One of my favorite things to do with my friends is to go get an ice cream sundae. Friendship is sweet. Ice cream is sweet. They just go together. But my very best friend is my husband. Through the years, we’ve had our share of hard times and disagreements, but God has used these trials to strengthen our friendship and to draw us closer. We love each other so much that we even work together! We spend much of our time helping strengthen marriages as biblical counselors.

One of my counselees said she and her husband had never been best friends. Her expectation as a new bride was that he would be her best friend forevermore, but he made it clear early on that this was not going to happen. They were just too different! She was his ministry partner and helper, but he would find friendship elsewhere. Is it any wonder that after many years of marriage they had grown apart? She stayed busy with ministry and children. He stayed busy with ministry and more ministry. They ended up in counseling asking, “What went wrong?”

As I listened, it became clear that their friendship was dependent on the various seasons of life. Sometimes it felt close, but at other times it was just casual. The husband seemed happy as long as the wife did her duties, but the wife was not happy. He defined intimacy as sexual. She felt unloved and unappreciated. Both kept the façade going for the sake of the ministry. When they finally came for counseling, we covered many topics, but the topic of friendship came to the forefront, as it often does in marriage counseling. Men and women can have different perspectives on friendship, but the question remains, “Is friendship important in a marriage? Is it wrong or unrealistic to expect an intimate friendship with your spouse?”

Every friendship starts as an acquaintance. Someone you recognize but don’t really know. You may know their first name. You may know that they walk their dog daily. But you don’t know them well and can only talk about the weather or neutral topics. To become casual friends, you must talk about things you have in common, like hobbies, church, or kids. Many of us have lots of casual friends depending on our stage of life and spheres of influence. If we really click with someone, we might begin to talk more often and about more topics. Then someone offers, “Want to get a coffee together?” or “Come on over for a meal!” We become closer as we communicate. We become closer as we spend time together and share deeper conversations about beliefs, faith, and personalities. The relationship grows, and the friendship matures.

One way to examine friendship in marriage is to evaluate it based on Luke 2:52. Jesus grew in wisdom (intellectual), stature (physical), favor with God (spiritual), and favor with man (social).

“And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” Luke 2:52

It may seem obvious that we should be working on growing in these areas as individuals, but did you know that we can also grow in these areas together? If a husband and a wife want to truly know each other, they must invest in each of these areas. It is not a checklist to complete. It is an adventure to embrace! God has given your spouse to you as a companion and a friend. As couples grow together in these areas, they will find themselves becoming more than just friends. They will become best friends.

Growing a beautiful, intimate relationship in marriage is like building a beautiful ice cream sundae. We start with the right foundation, a beautiful bowl, representing the spiritual foundation of two believers growing together in friendship. As they add the ice cream to the bowl, the relationship grows sweeter and richer. They enjoy each other’s company and spend time together. Fruits and nuts represent the intellect that adds texture to the treat. We can communicate mind to mind and resolve conflict in constructive ways. Out of a solid friendship grows the next level. We add the whipped cream to our sundae analogy, representing the emotions. Whipped cream delicately balances atop the other ingredients, just as emotions are dependent upon the first three spheres to stay beautifully balanced. Just as whipped cream goes flat, so can the emotions. Every sundae needs a beautiful cherry on top! That cherry represents the covenant of marriage and the consummation of the physical relationship in marriage. It is a small part in time investment but a big part in the overall balance of the marriage relationship. Healthy sexual intimacy is more about giving than about taking. It is that special treat on top, but it cannot be the foundation. This sundae analogy is just one tool to help us understand the beauty of friendship in a marriage. Couples are often tempted to focus on the top two (emotions and intimacy) when it is the bottom three (spiritual, social, and intellectual) that build a strong foundation.

Through the years, my husband and I have heard many married couples say, “But we don’t love each other anymore!” We always respond, “Then learn to love each other again. Get back into the Word together. Pray together. Repent and experience true restoration together. Start having fun again and enjoying one another socially. Talk using Biblical communication and resolve conflicts. Your emotions flow from these spheres.”

“This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you..” John 15:12

Is it possible to be your spouse’s friend? It is not only possible. It is vital to have an intimate friendship with your spouse. You just need to build a healthy foundation and to grow together. If you don’t know where to start, go on a date and get an ice cream sundae! You can learn to love each other again. You can be best friends.